Physical Desire ≠ Emotional Desire. Don’t Let It Run Parallel.

Sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure are two of humanity’s most revered experiences. A recent study showed that sex makes people even happier than Jesus does.

We are aware of the difference in being a female, not only in our sexuality but also in how we’ve been brought up, conditioned by society, treated in the media, and considered by society at large. A place where women have succumbed to the patriarchal norms existing since primitive times, where men lead the way, be it in the boardroom or the bedroom!

A major contributor to women’s sexual hang-ups is the social programming they receive when they are growing up.

Although, many women have devoured some of the culture’s stereotypes about female sexuality lock stock and barrel, as adults they definitely don’t have to let them continue to inculcate as behaviour.

A casual conversation with a few women around, revealed that they were uncertain about their right to sexual pleasure or did not take ownership of their sexuality.

This depicted the fact that how their personal lives has been devastated only because our society is yet not ready to accept the actual norms of sexuality and accepting sex, as just a physical need, and not just an emotional desire.  It’s possible to openly face and overcome your sexual hang-ups.

“I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 years. Recently I’ve realized that I’m no longer happy with him and I don’t see a future anymore. Since we’ve been together for long and are physically intimate, I don’t see a way out of it.’

It’s high time for women to understand that if needs are not met , it is a persisting problem and has to be made crystal clear with the partner.  Each person should have the right to dictate what he or she is willing to endure in a relationship. Each partner deserves to be made happy in the relationship, and to have his or her needs met, whatever they may be.

If both people are not having their basic needs, and their desires satisfied, there is a problem in the relationship, whether it is a result or cause of those frustrated needs.

One cannot compromise on physical needs only because one has been with the partner for a long. It is completely okay to pay attention to your own desires and not confuse it with emotional longing.

If you live by the same ideology of being with someone only because you had sex, you might end up choosing the wrong partner.

“My partner and I are very happy together, but there are times when I need a break from our monotonous routine and go out and enjoy the way I want to.  Partying on one of the Saturdays I came across a man who appealed me physically. I decided to enjoy my night with him. When I confessed it to my partner, he broke all the ties with me.And I fail to see a reason there.”

One may not think about it, but the idea that women are sexual beings, with wants, lusts, and needs just like men, can be a difficult concept to digest. Please mark the sarcasm dripping in my tone! We live in a society where we are taught that men and women are diametrically opposed by their very nature; men want sex, women want love. Men are logical, women are emotional, etc.

And of course, there’s still that persistent voice in the western culture that insists that sex is dirty and shameful and should only be shared with someone you love in the bonds of holy matrimony.

Not feeling that every sexual encounter is a negotiation always makes things more comfortable. And its high time that the society should also understand the fact that women can have cravings as well. Sex and love are two different sides of a coin. None of it is related to the fact that if you sleep with someone ,you’re bound to love him/her. The idea of love and need is not to be defined by a sexual relationship.

Sleeping with large number of women  is something to be commemorated – some celebrities (Wilt Chamberlain, Gene Simmons, Hugh Hefner, Warren Beatty) are known for their level of promiscuity as much as for their professional accomplishments. Higher the number, more manly you are… Women are supposed to enjoy sex, but almost as a performance for men. They’re taught to walk a thin line: “be sexy… but in this very specific way.”Fit yourself into this very narrow mold and you will be rewarded by men. But for all that our culture says women are supposed to be sexy, they’re not supposed to be sexual. To be sexual is to like sex a little too much. Liking it too much means you’re giving it away too easily and we all know the label afforded to women who give up the goods too early or to readily…

Even now, the woman who craves sex and has more than one partner at a time or is interested in non-procreative sex are frequently portrayed as untrustworthy, damaged or a figure to be scoffed at. Which shouldn’t make sense today.

In many ways, society endorses male sexual desire and need for pleasure as a normal, innate pursuit or even transcendental. In contrast, women’s sexual interest and need for pleasure have been minimized and marginalized. Women can be “horny” and sexually turned on as long as this is in response to a husband or male partner , in their bedroom, with whom they have a loving relationship. And even when a male partner gives an eager female partner permission to fully enjoy sexual pleasure, in other contexts (the locker room, breakup of the relationship, refusal of sex, and so on) he may slap a disparaging label on her (slut, whore, lesbian, and the like).

This kind of experience and other forms of it can leave women and girls ambivalent about or alienated from their sexuality.

As a result, they may get little enjoyment from sex, inhibit their erotic interests, or simply devalue the notion of sexual expression, even with a loving partner.

We don’t choose to feel dissatisfied with our sex life or anxious about our future, but we often end up with these unwanted outcomes anyway. Rather than attempt to understand causes, we cart out rationalizations—that sex is just too complicated or that it’s vastly overrated.

After all, what else can we expect from growing up in families and a society that provided little sexual information and lots of mixed messages?

Accepting that you’re allowed to have the desires you do (or don’t) have and being willing, to be honest about them allows you to be more authentically yourself… and in doing so, relate to the people you want in a more honest, open and collaborative way.