When I Found Out that He was Cheating On Me

The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.

—Cheryl Hughes

He was online every night until at least 2 a.m. Often he would wake up at around 4 am. and go back online. He would shut down the computer screen when I walked in. In the past, he used to take the laptop in bed with him and we would both be on our laptops watching movies and sharing our daily activities . He has now stopped doing that, slipping off to his office instead and closing the door even when I was asleep. He has started closing doors behind him. I was steeped in denial, but my body knew.

Yes I cried and I railed, but to no avail. It was not important, as I knew that I  had failed miserably in my job as a wife as now he had found a better candidate.

Days passed by and I was seeing him disappear from my life. He was not available whenever we spoke. So many nights, he would not come back home. I could hear him entering the house late at night like a thief. He probably knew he was doing something wrong. His behaviour was driving me crazy. I would ask him bluntly if there was someone else, but he did not reply. His silence was a silent killer. This was the time, when I remembered his vows to me. It was a dying relationship and I seemed to have failed in maintaining his interest in me.

I just couldn’t be the same. Few days later, I woke up with a dizzy head and a full ashtray in my line of vision. There was a stack of 30 twisted butts in a large black cigar ashtray with the word Havana written on its side in yellow; the word seemed to scream into the stale air. I looked around my bedroom; it was different. There was something missing. Later, I saw prescription pill bottles clustered round in an empty glass. Effexor XR. Xanax. Tylenol PM. This scenario sums up the Still Life of an Abandoned Wife suffering from Depression. Yes, soon I realised I was depressed.

I felt worthless, less than human. I felt like the world was caving in on me. I felt unloved and unwanted.

My partner, the man I had committed two and a half years of my life, was sleeping with another woman . The pain and the heartbreak of being cheated on doesn’t just go away so easily. It takes time and this time is most painful.

You can’t drink the pain away, not that I haven’t tried. You can’t stuff it down, which I have definitely tried. Because when you least expect it and you’re wrapped up in a whirlwind of the new found romance, its ugly face will surface and you will then be contemplating whether you’re good enough. You can try not to face it. So many people do. But it pops up here and there to sabotage relationships. Just when things are getting good, you run away scared to find a way to sabotage the relationship.

Physically, it felt as if I’d been punched in the stomach. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The hardest part about being cheated on is that it’s always there. You can move on and try to regain trust, but its never the same. It doesn’t matter if you cut the person out of your life, you can never forget what they did, and that changes you. Relationships are different. A part of you will still question commitment. A part of you will still wonder if it’s possible.