An Open Letter of a Big Fat Girl

The weighing scale shrieked out loud, a whopping 105 kgs.  It still didn’t bother me because I’d any day prefer a hot chocolate fudge with double scoop of vanilla and chocolate ice-cream , toppled with nuts and cream served along with waffles and chocolate syrup . That’s all for now.

I was happy in my own world ( it’s all a fugazi as they say), a huge circle of (fake) friends, a fancy cellphone, a personal vehicle and an entire closet to accommodate my XXL outfits. And the best part? I went on a shopping spree every 2 months to burn a hole in my father’s pocket to get new XXL clothes which could only be found at ‘special’  stores. The only thing I feared in the entire world was the sight of a gym or a playground. I wonder why do we need to workout when we have ‘rasmalai’ to reduce our stress and chocolates to forget our breakups ?. The idea of lacquering my body in sweat was highly disgusting. I felt that’ll take away my “just-eaten-strawberry-dipped-in-fresh-whipped -cream” fragrance.

No male ever dared to mess with me. I was popularly known as “Fatso”. The reason why they called me Fatso was pretty obvious. So, once I bashed up a guy in my 7th grade just because I had no space to adjust my legs comfortably under the small writing desk so I pushed the desk further which in turn broke the guy’s favourite water bottle. He turned around, flushed with anger and cursed me.  After which, I literally did ‘kick his balls”

One bright sunday morning, my friends planned a brunch.  “Unlimited food and deserts at just Rs 899?”. This was like a flash in a pan. It was technically my first attendance at a social gathering ( I was 16 then). At the restaurant, I witnessed a group of ladies who had perfectly sculpted figures,  dressed in beautiful long outfits and carrying fancy belongings. I felt a little intimated by these gorgeous people around me but this did not stop me from doing justice to the brunch.

My friends and I grabbed a table right in the centre. The restaurant had an exclusive menu dedicated just to the Brunch.  An assortment of sumptuous eatables made it’s way to our table and I, somehow found it hard to keep my hands off the food. I stuffed my mouth with a slice of pepperoni pizza, while the bite of lasagna waited in my other hand to make it’s way to my stomach. ‘Heaven is right here, right now’ is what I thought, and I continued eating . Happiness for me was food and no one could take that away from me.

I could somehow sense people eyeing me with  their scrupulous looks (For all I care) “Oh you gorgeously coloured muffin, let me taste you”,  I mouthed and leapt for it. I was halfway through my “It’s my desserts time moment”, when I realized a pair of intense eyes staring intently at me and said, “Fatso, I think the restaurant should charge you double for the amount for food you are hogging, Do you mind leaving some for others?”. After which, the whole table started a laugh riot, and I could not do anything but stare at them with a smile.

Those words haunted me for days and I just couldn’t stop thinking about that incident. Calling me a Fatso was still tolerable, but that day I felt insulted. I was so deep in a pensive state that I bumped into a guy who accidentally spilled his coffee over me. Instead of apologizing, he shouted at me ‘ Moti, dekh kar nahi chal sakti kya?’ ( can’t you walk with your eyes open). He turned out to be a common acquaintance. This made me even more furious and just added on to fog  my thoughts with negativity about my weight.

My friends started avoiding me and some of them even started calling me “Forever Fatso” . This news went viral in my school and I just became a laughing stock for all of them.

But somehow this situation affected me so much that more than anything, it served as an inspiration for me.  I left everything aside and started working out for 3 hours a day, with a strict diet chart. In the beginning, I thought to myself, why am I doing this when I love food. Why am I giving up something which makes me happy? Am I so weak that some stupid incident will make me leave food?  More than how others perceive me, it was more important for myself to respect my inner emotions. All I felt was dejected and challenged.

After a considerable time,  the results of the diet were evident and I started getting compliments. I was becoming a happier person by the day. The tag Fatso was no longer a part of my personality. Soon I became an inspiration for all the ‘healthy girls’ in my school and even my teachers wanted some guidance and weight loss tips . My physical appearance did change, but I was the same person as I was before. More people started talking to me and my “fake” friends finally tried to accept me as person and not just a piece of fat.

That’s when reality struck me and I felt like a new person not because I lost weight but also because the people around me changed their perceptions about me. This just unveiled the shallow attitude of the society and the way they perceive other people. Though I was happy with the reactions and responses I was receiving, I was sad that all these years it was just my weight that pushed me towards being an introvert. I was upset with myself thinking how my self confidence was directly proportional to my physical appearances.

I realised  that all I needed in the first place was  sparkling inner confidence and not let an insult which made me lose weight. People will want you to shatter your confidence all the time but no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to. I allowed that incident to make me feel inferior which I still regret.

Let my experience not just be a story for you, but a lesson learnt.